Thursday, May 7, 2009

Just a lonely rant

Good Morning, America!

Things are their usual, stressful selves. It's getting tougher to sit by and wait for the disability to come through. Tough decisions have to be made, and every day is stress from the time the eyes flutter open until the thoughts are tossed aside enough to go back to sleep. I know I'm not alone in this. It's a good thing I don't do the doctor bit - I'm sure my blood pressure would be through the roof. I really hope someday I can look back at this and laugh, but right now, it's just so tough.

I miss my pest control service. Bugs are congregating outside, having a field day since I put the service on hiatus. Spider webs are everywhere. At least I can't see the critters responsible; that would drive me looney.

I really miss my premier cable services. HBO, Showtime, etc. I grew up on TV, and it's been horrid downgrading. TV's my biggest source of entertainment these days, but I'm afraid my beloved Hallmark Channel is about to be let go. I've held onto it because I watch it so much, but when it comes down to it, cable is a luxury, isn't it? I think this may be the last month for it, though, unless a miracle happens. I'll be down to basic channels for the first time since cable arrived here. It's trivial to many, but for me, it's like a death because of how much I rely on TV.

I miss not being stressed every single day. Sometimes, I wonder how people without a roof over their heads can make it through to another day. I'm blessed with the roof. The problem is, I can't pay the bills and I'm not seeing a way out. The disability thing is just dragging on forever. There's no assurance it'll be approved this time, either. Without it, I'm a goner, and if it doesn't come through very fast, I'm a goner anyway. It's been two months since the appeal was entered.

How are those of you in even worst spots getting through? It boggles my mind when I think about how determined some of you are to make it through. I think I'm just not as strong as folks, like my friend Carli who battles through all kinds of things and still keeps on going somehow. I get by by doing a Scarlet O'Hara -- trying not to think about it, and yet I can't stop thinking about it. Day after day, I worry.

How nice would it be to have some peace of mind again, to go back in time to when I worked at a place where everyone hated one another but when I made an income that allowed me to be free. Those were the days. Better yet, to live childhood over when it was Mom and Dad footing the bill and I was just the spoiled brat who didn't have to worry about it. Now those were really the days.

I miss being able to spend my time walking my dogs, which I can't really do anymore anyway, and toiling over my fan fic. I feel guilty now unless I'm just glued to my computer, doing odd little jobs and trying to pay the bills. It takes so much effort for such small amounts, but it's all I've got, and I need to keep doing it. I shouldn't even be here, ranting about my woes. There are pennies to be earned, so I suppose I should get back to it.

The ranting lament is over. I promise the next post will be more positive. It's just it's all being kept inside, and I'm getting very, very scared about tomorrow.

Onward in the hopes stress stresses itself out and goes away. That would be a nice miracle.

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